Trickster

A friend of mine who came to see Trickster was talking to Tony and I afterward about some of the sexual content and the violence that was seen and talked about. She works in education, in areas involving sexual assault, rape, and other very sensitive issues. While she thought we handled the matter well, she said that if we were doing a show like that again and we  wanted her to come in and talk to our cast and crew about how to handle it, she'd love to do so. As we talked more, she said that the chances are very good that when someone does a show with sexual or other violence in it, there is someone in the audience who has experienced it, and it may trigger a reaction in them to see it played out or talked about.

I thought about that conversation again tonight after seeing a show that hit very close to home in about a buzzillion different ways.

The show was under an hour, and I literally spent most of it with tears streaming down my face and the feeling I was going to throw up. It was a very tight show, obviously. Some nit-picky notes aside, it had to be good to affect me in such a way. But if I could have, I would have left. Because it was too much. The thing is, I couldn’t leave. You know the Chicago Storefront M.O- I was in the front row in a house with 20 seats, and would have had to cross the stage to get out. After curtain call I booked it out, and it took me 20 minutes of walking in the rain (having left my umbrella in my haste) to be calm enough to drown the rest of my sorrows in the local CVS drugstore.

And tonight as I lay awake at 1:00 a.m., I wonder... do we as artists have an obligation to our audience to be aware of this kind of response? I don’t feel like most of us are... I certainly can’t think of a show I have directed where I have built in an escape route for an emotionally hit audience member. Can you?

As I think more about it, I think the general feeling about how our shows affect the audience is that we want to give them insight into a subject they might not know enough about, or to help/make them become more personally attached to a subject they might be avoiding or have a bias against.  But what about those audience members who may already know, too closely, what we are talking about?

The more Halcyon engages and embraces its mission onstage, the more diverse we hope our audience will become as well. Does that mean we then broaden our chances that someone in our audience may already have experienced the things we are showing them. One of the big underlying themes in Trickster and overlying themes in Iphegenia, is the murder of thousands of women in Juarez. Also, in Trickster, the segments that talked about family members being murdered to still the voice of a rebel were taken from news stories that have happened IN THE LAST SIX MONTHS. In the past we have talked about villages in Nigeria being plagued by drought and burned to the ground, artists being killed for being homosexual, babies being killed by soldiers. Do we need to be thinking about the possibility of an audience member seeing the show whose family members HAVE been murdered; whose home HAS been destroyed; who HAS been assaulted.

But then, how far do you take it? I watched the movie Hope Floats after my college boyfriend cheated on me and I felt pretty bad afterwards... I may even have cried as I left the movie theater... I’m only being flippant and taking it to the other extreme as a way to seriously ask, “If we want to affect our audience with what we are giving them, to what extent are we responsible to our audience for what we give them?”

Or is our responsibility only to open the door, and to hope that a wet walk and a new red lipgloss will be enough to get them home?

There are three weekends left to see Trickster! Get your tickets online or at The Greenhouse Box Office. Running time is 2 1/2 hours including intermission.

Here is a letter that one audience member, Dav Faust, wrote to her friend about Trickster that she shared with us as well...

The repertory theater group, Halcyon, augmented by several additional performers called artistic associates, is presenting a play of curious, apocalyptic inference at the Greenhouse Theater Center on Lincoln Avenue from January 6-30, 2011.

Written by Tony Adams, who also directed and did scenic design, The play, Trickster, managed to hold my interest throughout last night's performance due to careful writing consisting of heady conflict furthering the plot in just about every scene. The characters were interesting, clearly drawn, and each unique enough and sympathetic enough for audience to want emotional involvement with them. The actors who played the characters were a rather unique and somewhat wild bunch in their own right, so some of that audience interest was no doubt a charismatic attraction to the theater company players. The intimacy of community theater made it possible to observe closeup and without mikes, adding to audience emotional inclusion nicely.

The nudity and violence were not obsessive nor objectionable as they were necessary to the thematic material and tastefully choreographed so they were not in your face. The acting was experienced. The sets were cool and suggestive, adding to the mythological feeling. The staging and stage movement was smooth and flowing. Nothing stood out as glaring or wrong. However, I believe there could have been fewer scenes to effectively tell even such a horrific story about man's conflict with fellow man in an age of the fall of civilization. I also spotted not many but a few narrative descriptions of powerful incidents which should have been acted out. Good writing requires narration to be only informational and transitional while action should carry all the story which has emotional impact.

Though all the actors were above average, one particular supporting actor is worthy of special mention. Chistine Lin was, even in deep background, always contributing authentically without fail to the scene as a whole or even to the theme of the spotlighted actor. She was a miracle of concentration and actively in character in interesting and flowing detail at all times. In painting you look for the action of fringe elements to lead you back into the picture so that you are never lost in space or evicted from the experience of the art. That is exactly what this talented support actor did for this performance. One could almost ascertain what feeling one should have of present action on stage just by watching her. She was a gauge and a telltale reminder of what was happening just by her well-thought-out and well-rehearsed body language.

I do believe this play good enough to be worth the extra effort usually engaged in by professional playwrights, which is  to have their drafts read by another writer not so close to the writing. Most writers, even professionals, overwrite early drafts and don't see it. Paring the writing is as important as enriching it. I nevertheless recommend spending an evening and the small cost of the ticket for this intellectually worthwhile and thoroughly enjoyable entertainment but I also hope it finds its way to an editing session.

I've had several impulses to blog about Trickster (and having to miss all of December's rehearsal process to be in Taiwan for my grandfather taking ill and passing) and Iphigenia...(a rave fable) now in rehearsals but I didn't do anything and now my brain is clogged with a tangle of ideas. 

So I'll just start with what's going on right now: I'm overwhelmed. Tony mentioned after rehearsal yesterday and today that I looked like my brain exploded and it's a possibility. Iphigenia crash lands on the neon shell that was once her heart (a rave fable) is a lot. And I'm processing. Or desperately trying to. I really, really want to do justice to this character but I don't even understand the rough edges of her let alone have my lines down. And tomorrow starts Week 3 of our Trickster run and while I'm excited to see our motley family again and fly Swan Woman's wings, it's a hard gear shift. And I have an audition in the morning on ear prompter. And it's 2AM. And I got a ticket for having a cracked windshield - what the - ? And...and...and...

I'm overwhelmed. Iphigenia says, "Every part of me is breaking. But I'm alright." And right now, Christine is alright, but she hasn't really tackled the "every part of me is breaking" yet. I'm emotionally on the edge of the swimming pool that is Iphigenia. I'm testing the water's temperature and trying to get a sense of the depth and overall shape. But it's a big formless pool that looks really deep. And I don't have time to figure everything out from the water's edge. 

I suspect that she will cost me emotionally, not in a "I'm gonna go crazy" kind of way but in a "open up your bags of sh*t and roll around in it" kind of way.

Am I ready to find out what "every part of me is breaking" feels like?

Am I ready to merge with the girl who hears the screams of the fresa girls of Juarez and trips acid with Achilles? 

Am I ready to fight the destiny of Death for a chance at Love and self-actualization?

When I dive in, will I be able to make sense - or more importantly Story- of it all?

Perhaps like Iphigenia, I don't have a choice of what happens or when. The show must go on: February 17th or 28daysfromnowholymolyBatman! ...

But I think writing some of these questions out has helped me realize that you don't have to feel ready to be ready. You won't know until you try. You can't win if you don't play. And with that...I am done with standing on the edge.

My heart is racing while sitting at my kitchen table thinking about becoming one with Iphigenia. I can hear the wind blowing around my ears looking over the cliff. A voice whispers, "It should be fun" and I realize it's my own. I take Iphigenia's hand and push away from the dirt under my feet. We are falling and "my slip became yours, and our legs became one."

Pulse. Pulse. I go.

I’m supposed to be working right now. It's 3:05pm on a Wednesday. I’m sitting at my desk at my day job office, but I have my notebook with all my Trickster notes open as well as two scripts for auditions I have coming up in the next few days splayed out across the estimates I’m putting together for my clients. I work for a graphic design company. I should be doing graphic design related things right now. But I’m not. I’m working on scripts, thinking about Coyote, and writing this blog. I don’t have ADD, but I AM impulsive, and when I have an impulse to do something (or in this case, not do something), I do it.

One of the many things I’ve always loved about getting to the theatre for rehearsal at night is the fact that in many ways it’s easier than “real life.” Real life: meaning day jobs and meetings and quotes and clients and deadlines and bottomless cups of coffee to get through it all. That’s hard. In that world, you have to lie. A LOT. I hate that. In addition to being quite impulsive, I’m honest. I can’t lie. It makes me feel like a scumbag. I find that I have to lie about things on a regular basis at my day job. A print project gets produced wrong, and we have to figure out a good lie to give our client to explain it, versus just saying, “We screwed up. Sorry. We’ll fix it.” That doesn’t always fly in the business world. Often I have the impulse to tell clients how ridiculous they’re being and to fuck off. But I can’t. That’s rude. That’s against the rules of “decent society.” Why? Because it’s impulsive. We’re always supposed to think things through and weigh the pros and cons of everything we say. Ugh. It makes me nauseous, and what’s more, it’s exhausting. Following an impulse and telling the truth is so much easier.

Actors are trained, taught, told, reminded to remain, told it’s safe to be, and yelled at for not being completely open, honest, impulsive and vulnerable. I don’t have to lie. That’s always been easy for me. In the theatre, I can be as open and honest and impulsive as I want, and not only it’s alright, IT’S ENCOURAGED AND APPLAUDED!

Coyote’s journey in Trickster is simple, but not easy. Coyote’s task is to rid the world of monsters. Simple. However, it’s not easy from either the character’s or actor’s perspective. The character essentially must deal with the weight of the world on his shoulders. If the world goes completely awry, it’s pretty much my (Coyote’s) fault. How’s that for some pressure? In addition, the actor must deal with and embody all elements of this complex animal, this complex animal’s personality, and this animal’s movement and physicality. I can’t play at the Coyote’s physicality. I have to be the physicality; own the physicality. It must be me. Onstage, Scott has to rid the world of monsters. Onstage, Scott must face the consequences of not completing his task. Once all of this has been absorbed into my brain, it must then be forgotten. In this world, there is no use for a plan, for step B in any plan is as likely to get dashed to bits as step Z is. All of the characters who exist in this fractured, desolate world certainly do have goals, but they have no idea how to achieve them; how to get from point A to Z. And therein is where the beauty of this story lies. How do they get there? What impulsive choices are made to get from point A to B, and then B to C, and so on…. What’s at stake by acquiring or not acquiring what you seek; what you yearn for? Everything exists from moment to moment to moment, and most of the time all there is to guide and protect you is your impulses, your reaction to each moment, in the moment. Coyote must bring equilibrium and peace back to this world. That’s a pretty daunting task, but when broken up into a series of high-stakes moments, it seems a little easier to swallow. No lies, only truth. No thinking, only impulses. Seems easy enough, right?

"In 1893, a bounty hunter named Ernest Thompson Seton journeyed to the untamed canyons of New Mexico on a mission to kill a dangerous outlaw. Feared by ranchers throughout the region, the outlaw wasn’t a pistol-packing cowboy or train-robbing bandit. The outlaw was a wolf.

Lobo, as locals simply called him, was the legendary leader of a band of cattle-killing wolves that had been terrorizing cattle ranchers and their livestock. Known as the “King of the Currumpaw,” Lobo seemingly had a mythical ability to cheat death, eluding the traps that ranchers had set for him throughout the countryside.

It was up to Seton, a naturalist as well as a professional animal trapper, to exterminate this “super-wolf.” The ensuing battle of wits between wolf and man would spark a real-life wilderness drama, the outcome of which would leave a lasting effect on a new and growing movement in America: wilderness preservation."

Watch the full NATURE episode here.

(Seton's book Wild Animals I Have Known can be found here.)

We had our first rehearsal for the love/sex scene between the Swan Woman and Coyote tonight. It's only about a page long but warranted an hour of rehearsal time.

When I was stretching and going over my lines, questions like "what are we going to do for a whole hour?" and "am I forgetting about another scene we have?" floated around my head. And suddenly the thought "we're getting naked today" interrupted. Disguising my panic and desperately trying to remember what underwear I was wearing, I asked Scott Allen Luke (Coyote) nonchalantly, "Are we getting naked today?" He furrowed his brow and replied, "mm, don't think so." My fears were not assuaged. 

It's so very uncomfortable to consider getting naked, even in rehearsal. I mean, it's personal. It's awkward. It's our bodies - they'd be touching - they aren't plastic figures, you know; they're bodies...and well, bodies secrete things - things get icky! And the potential ickiness weirds me out! The very real icky imperfections of our bodies actually touching each other?!...SIGH.

Needless to say my awkward sense of humor - which slays any sort of delicate mood - kicked into high gear and inappropriate jokes. I tried to control it as best I could and stay focused, but I was stressed and skittish. Supposedly women's dirty humor is dirtier than men's because it's a little too graphic in a clinical kind of way. And that's probably true; I asked if Swan Woman's orgasm should be honking. And I just wrote that bodies secrete things and get icky.

Everyone in the room (just Sara - SM, Tony - director, and Scott - Coyote) was really nice and patient, but I wonder what exactly DO I need to feel comfortable to get naked. (Even if we don't use it during the show, Tony would like to get there during rehearsals.) Honestly, I dunno. And I'm not sure if thinking about it helps.

Fortunately, pretending is a significant enough task for a first rehearsal...and what I focused on today. It's big to really feel the intimacy and joy and desire of consummating true love in our play's imaginary circumstances. It takes time to get comfortable with that risky emotional journey...and in the meantime, I'm awkward and loudly announce when I take off my socks.

On a positive note, I was pleasantly surprised by how vulnerable and trusting I felt in Coyote's arms. It seems vulnerability is a different kind of nakedness: of the heart and soul. It's a gift to the people watching and also a gift that costs something. Tonight I felt discomfort at being emotionally intimate and aroused in front of (and with!) pals. A shudder of pleasure is easier than being in my underwear but it's not free or easy. 

What am I trying to say? I'm all over the place because I'm uncomfortable. A friend and actor I just love to watch said that he hates, HATES, being vulnerable...but will do it on stage. He hates it in real life but is willing to be vulnerable on stage to be good. And that resonated with me tonight. It goes right along with what Alexandra Billings (my personal hero) said during SteppWest this summer. She demanded of us as actors to bring our bags of shit on stage, open those bags, roll around in our shit, and stand up for everyone to see. Anything less was unacceptable and "Keep going forward into that shit!" became our joyful battle cry and motto.

So the question is "Am I that brave?" I know it's good to be brave enough to be naked emotionally and physically but can I do it?

I eventually took off my outer shirt - leaving my tank top AND pants. For a few moments, I opened my heart to Scott/Coyote and imagined my happiness at being post-coital (and naked) with the greatest love of my entire existence. 

It was a good start...but I suspect there's more nakedness to be explored. I remind myself that what's wonderful about life is not the beauty of perfection but the grace of humanity - how vulnerability and hope and openness exist despite our imperfection: when you're loved despite purposefully awkward jokes.

So. I know what I have to do. And with an unnecessary eye roll and my heart on my sleeve, I put one foot in front of the other and "keep going forward into that shit!"

I meant to write this blog entry 3 weeks ago after the Trickster read-through, but Life took over between Stir-Friday Night's 15-year anniversary revue Bubble Tea Party! (Happy quinceañera, SFN!") and being in a wedding (Congrats, Stephanie & Jason!) and well, you know how Life gets. 

I'll start by saying that I had some "concerns" after read-through Tuesday: over 140 pages (with several scenes still missing), a HUGE cast of puppet-humans and Animal-spirit people, BIG questions about human suffering and our natural bent towards destruction, AND Swan Woman has an orgasm while naked. I mean, I hope I'm not getting type-cast as "actress who orgasms." Just kidding, it's the naked part that stresses me out. 

Anyway I realized even as I was airing out my "concerns" to Tony (who very patiently listened to all of them), that this is a fantastic opportunity to be open while on this adventure of a play rehearsal process. And do I really have a choice? The script is going through edits, ideas are still be discovered, characters and relationships developed - in short, there's absolutely NO WAY we're going to know all the answers about the final product until we get there. You aren't going to know what it's like to cliff-dive into the ocean until you do it. 

Fortunately, my fellow pioneers are pretty cool. I know many of them or at least have seen their work and I'm excited. Take, for instance, my Older Swan Brother (Riso Straley) who improvised his swan song to include "shitting on your lawn" and "pecking your eyes out, muthafuckah!" I can only hope to one day be as awesome as that. 

So I'm diving in. It seems to be the theme for the year: dive in & be open; be open & dive in. I'm jumping into new working relationships and rehearsal processes as well as re-examining my own tendencies and vices. I'm also trying to check in with myself more often; been through a lot of change this year - tackled acting in my bra AND a Japanese-British accent, the still bewilderingly beautiful experience of Steppenwolf West, and breaking up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. The aftershocks continue to roll through. 

There are many, many shades of gray between black and white. It's less convenient and straightforward to live between right and wrong but somehow also more comfortingly authentic. And it sure beats checking out. So plug your nose and join me off the edge of the cliff - it's time to dive in.

Oh my gosh, I am sooooo sorry!!! I know you have all been sitting on your hands waiting to hear how rehearsals have gone with the kids. I have left you hanging... I know there hasn't been much else going on in the world!

Okay... it has actually been really cool. Our friend Vanesa offered to watch the kids on Tuesdays, so they didn't come to the read-through, which was great because it was nice to be able to focus completely on the script and the cast that first night. And then my sister-in-law (pretty close, anyway!) offered to watch them on Wednesdays. So they've actually only been to two rehearsals and may only come once a week.

And that's great, because for as good as they both have been, it makes them really tired the next day. Since life goes on during the day, with Tony's school and playing and such, they ended up being pretty zonked. They were awesome both times, and Charlotte took a nap during Saturdays rehearsal, but it is really a lot to ask of them to not get home until 11 p.m. three nights in a row.

The really cool thing was that Tony Jr. participated in warm-ups, including an energy circle, with us, and he did some of the movement and scene work too! He was so brave and excited, doing Suzuki walk across the floor, and when we learned a section in the beginning where people move through the water and sing, and he caught right on and joined in, even singing the song with us and leaving my side to go right behind the leader! He loved it.

Charlotte also participated when she woke up, being an actor walking around and taking in the room. A natural viewpointer! There was some concern expressed, rightfully, because it is hard to really participate fully when you are worried about stepping on a 2-year old. I think, while it was fun for me and the kids, it would be disrespectful to the cast and the process to let her do that again. There may be other places she can take part, but something like that she will need to stay in the playpen.

When we were sitting at the dinner table on Saturday night, we all started singing "Wade in the Water" and "Amazing Grace" (songs that are (as of right now) in the show) together. A little Sound of Music, but it seems like it all might work out well!

Now the biggest challenge for me is to find time during the day to think about the play and my role. I think I will need to designate specific "Mommy time" each day for that. I already forgot my homework the other night and haven't submitted my bio yet. I know I'm not the only actor who forgets those things, but I already feel like I'm at a disadvantage because I haven't acted in so long. I need MORE time, not less ;)
 

PS- My headshot is black and white, 11 years old, and I look like I'm selling real estate! Yikes!!!!

It was a good first rehearsal with the kids. Charlotte was a little loud, but who wouldn't be their first time at a rehearsal? Heck, I was a little loud!

It was hard at some points for me to switch back and forth from actor to mommy... Tony Sr. asked if I wanted to lead some suzuki stuff, and I didn't feel prepared to do that... I needed to be a listener to keep my focus...

Tony Jr. was fantastic, and at the end of the night he wanted to be part of the read-through. So he got to say "The End."

I know it will take a few days to get them into the routine, but I was really proud of them, and of the cast and crew for being able to absorb them into the group. Thanks, guys!

I couldn't get the images to work for the blog, but you can see them at the Halcyon Facebook page.

I recently emailed a friend of mine who is an actress to see how she is doing. She has a new baby, and it has been a bit since we’ve been able to talk... Her response was like listening to a pre-recorded interview with myself...

“The family is doing great, but I've been struggling with the loss of myself - that fun creative energetic girl I used to be. I guess I can still be fun and creative when it comes to "how will I ever get through the next 3 hours!" ;) I've just been down a bit - missing my past life and wondering when and how I can reclaim what was once mine. Really wishing I could get back on stage or even in front of a camera for that matter but understanding that I must be patient and seek out other ways that I can still be involved while being there for my family.”

It’s amazing how many aspects of being a mother I thought of as cliche, and it turns out there’s a reason for that... it really happens, on a regular basis, to most new parents. Especially, I think, the primary or stay-at-home parent...

When I was in High School I wanted to be a star on Broadway. Still do, if I am being honest! When I moved to Chicago I wanted to be the city’s greatest director. I still want to be the next David Cromer. Or the next, next, next David Cromer. He was at this for, like, 20 years before Broadway called, I think... But of course you have to do the work to make those dreams happen. My college prof. used to say it was 10% talent and 45% stamina and 45% determination.

When you have children, you make sacrifices and compromises. Anyone who tells you differently is either lying or the thing being compromised IS their children. It doesn’t mean that you never do what you want anymore, or that you can never be in a show again, but it does involve a lot of maneuvering and scheduling to make sure that it works.

When we first had our children, I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do a show. I directed both times when I was pregnant, and one of the reasons was because I knew that once the baby was born I would want to be home with them. Also, as our kids were born and have grown, Tony Sr. and I have re-distributed our roles and responsibilities. He has taken on more of the theatre stuff and I have taken on more of the day-to-day child-rearing. I don’t do the books- I look at the budgets, but I don’t DO the budgets. He doesn’t research schools- He looks at the final choices and helps pick classes, but he doesn’t do the preliminary work. It would be insane if we both tried to do everything.

And honestly, when you are responsible for a LIFE, for making sure someone grows up happy and healthy, sometimes you don’t WANT to leave the house. You don’t want to make/let someone else be the one who gets/has to do that. However, it can absorb you- absorb your thoughts and your time, and before you know it, you are saying “what is going on in the outside world again? Who is president? What did I love before I loved my kids?”

There have been many times where I have felt like Superwoman. I do craft projects and music with the kids, get them to take a nap and write a grant proposal and a blog post, make dinner and then have the kind of quality time with Tony Sr. that we had before we were married. (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Then there are times when I forget to get the kids out of their pj’s until 10 in the morning. I spend the day wiping boogers and cleaning butts, trying to get Charlotte not to throw her lunch all over the floor, when Tony Sr gets home the kids are in their most spastic crazy time, and when Tony tries to talk to me about next Season or board development or that TimeOut Chicago wants to do a 4-page spread on Halcyon (come on, Kris, you know you wanna!!!), my eyes glaze over...

There have been many times where I have felt like I have no personality of my own anymore. I used to be crazy, funny, passionate, motivated (and of course talented!). Now I feel focused. Grounded. And talented, but that talent is dormant. When Tony gets passionate about the theatre scene, sometimes I WISH I could be that passionate. I remember when I was an Artistic Director, and I thought about the company night and day to keep it alive and thriving... where did that girl go? I worry that I’m not giving enough to Halcyon; that my directing skills will dry up because I am not out there seeing what other people are directing. I want to take classes and go to workshops, but kids clothes and diapers come first and none of us have been to the dentist. I want to take a dance class, but does that mean we need to get a babysitter? Because God knows that THAT is a struggle in itself!

I don’t have an answer. Doing Trickster is a huge part for me of trying to combat that. Because, like with everything, I feel like the longer we wait to get the kids acclimated to OUR lifestyle the harder it will be to do it. I am hoping that together, Tony and I can navigate the things WE want and need with the things our kids want and, more importantly, need (because let’s be honest, what they WANT right now is Pillow Pets and candy). I am hoping that the kids love it, and are quiet, that they get enough sleep, that the cast loves having them around, and that it is the beginning of the way we always work.

Mostly, I want to do what it takes to make the different aspects of my life live in unity. I married into theatre because I can’t imagine being with someone who leads a different style of life than I do. I need that unity. And while sometimes I feel like those aspects are drifting further and further apart, the only ones who can bring them closer together are me and my family. Like two canoes that are tied together and don’t stay together unless you hold onto both at once. I just hope noone’s fingers get smashed in the middle in the process.