The Nest

I'm an Artist in Residence with Halcyon, and I do both the Compass Lab, which has an Acting focus; and the Nest Lab, which is for writers.  When I heard about the opportunity to become a Halcyon AIR, I did not think of myself as a writer.  I didn't especially like the people I'd met who do think of themselves as writers, I didn't really enjoy writing itself, and the Nest Lab, with it's billing as a playwriting lab and it's promise to explore non-naturalistic writing, looked to be extremely far out of my tiny writing comfort zone.

I knew pretty much right away that I might end up doing the Compass Lab, but that I would absolutely be doing the Nest Lab.

This is not sheer masochism on my part.  While it may not sound like I have the best attitude towards new things, I do try and tackle my fears and weaknesses head-on.  That's one of the things that's always drawn me (or dragged me) towards Halcyon - I may glower and blog about it in rebellious terms, but I'm given opportunities to challenge myself.  I'm required to read texts I would've blown off on face-value, or never even heard about.  I'm compelled to think about and form opinions on things like social action, styles of theatre other than my own preference, and other, "serious", "important" stuff that I generally don't care about.  Some days, I can't keep the sourpuss expression off of my face.  Or prevent myself from feeling awkward and outclassed.

But it's getting easier.

The decision to continue working with Halcyon, and to take this lab, is kind of tied together with a decision I made around the same time to stop being so afraid of writing.  Afraid of race.  And culture.  Afraid of imaginary critics who would eviscerate not only my work, but my right to write about such things.  And so my decision to tackle the Nest Lab went kind of hand-in-hand with a decision to stop hiding in a safe, comfortable lack of identity.

So when, after my first night at Lab, my face was mildly on fire with embarrassment and the feeling that I'd crashed a party, I didn't get discouraged.  I hadn't signed up for this to have fun, I'd signed on to get over fears.  What's the term? Exposure therapy? Well, I have plenty of exposure.  And as the weeks have gone by, I've started to relax.  I've developed some good habits, I'm arguing back with the voices that say, You can't write this, you can't write in this style, you can't write about that topic, you can't write about what you don't know, you can't, you won't, you don't belong.

I've blogged for over ten years, written a number of short plays, and churned out more sketches than my theatre company really wants to read, and yet I've always heard these voices.  Once the Nest Lab is over, will I be a Writer? Will the voices be soothing murmurs of encouragement and cooing praise? Will I start wearing a beret? Eh.  I dunno.  But I'm pushing for it.  And it's getting easier.