When I was growing up, I would watch every award show, every televised concert, everything that included music that I could get my parents to let me watch. And inevitably, when I would watch, I would end up with a huge lump in my throat and tears running down my cheeks. Because I could feel the music pounding in my chest. I could feel the emotion, and I would envision myself being the one up there.
I remember there was one night when I was babysitting, and after the kids went to bed I turned on TV. On PBS was a concert, and even though I didn’t recognize the artist I was transfixed. He was such an incredible story teller, and when they panned to the audience, the whole audience felt like I did sitting on that couch. They heard his words, and felt his voice, and it took them away to a time or place in their life and it was magic. It was James Taylor. That moment made me realize that that was what I wanted to accomplish with my life.
It still happens. Only now... there is always a wistfulness about it, because with everything that I have done and have been doing, music and singing have definitely taken a back burner. I’m not going to act like “oh I’ve been wasting my time blah blah blah” because clearly I NEVER stop working, trying, acting, directing, producing, trying to make a difference, trying to be a good wife, be a good mother, try not to become a huge blimp in the process... but still... what if...?
I think I experienced so much insecurity, and because of that I had some pitch problems when I would try to take risks, would feel scared to have a vision. Because of that, I thought maybe it wasn’t my path. With theatre, I never had that problem. Especially with directing, I have rarely had a problem with insecurity ;)
With acting, about 6 years ago, I started to get stage fright. It manifested itself in losing my lines. And when I got scared about losing my lines, it made me MORE insecure and I lost MORE lines... I gave up acting. For years. And then came Trickster. And after the first rehearsal, I never had stage fright, I never had insecurity; I found grounding, I found my voice.
What if...?
What if I gave myself permission to soar, permission to fail, permission to try? So that’s what I am going to do.
I’m going to work on 4 songs, and perform them at Ceyx Series in July. I’ve sung a million times, but I have never put myself out there and said, “Here I am and here’s my soul.” And until I do, it will always be... “What if?”
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