When Tony, Jr. was born, I decided that he would be potty-trained by the time he was 2. I was trained at 18 months, and 2 years should give plenty of time for that "Boys take longer" thing... He's almost 3 1/2, and just now ALMOST fully trained. He just wasn't ready.. and the only thing my forcing it did was make me miserable about diapers for that year...

I was thinking earlier about Tango Palace, and about other projects we've done and seen, and how it seems like so many projects would "be so much better if we had more time." Because so many of us small companies rent from theaters that need us to sign contracts with dates in concrete so they can schedule the next company to come in the day after we close- (Move 'em on, head 'em up, Head 'em up, move 'em on, Move 'em on, head 'em up Rawhide, Count 'em out, ride 'em in, Ride 'em in, count 'em out, Count 'em out, ride 'em in Rawhide!) , and because we have to do so many things in advance in order to get audience ( 3 rounds of press releases so critics have it in their insanely busy schedules, postcards at the beginning of the process, etc.), there is never any room for error or growth...

Or patience... (hence the guns 'n' roses.... title.... yeah...)

What would happen if we were able to give all of our shows the chance to really bloom BEFORE we show them to people? How amazing would the art be then? If we could keep people's attention and interest with pictures, updates, video of rehearsals, blogs, Twitters, and then when the show is ready, let people know that it will open in a week and "Tickets are going Fast!!!" (Because they would, because we would do such a great job letting people know how great it is going to be...)

Sometimes it feels like we rush the art to accommodate the logistic of Real Estate, and if art is anything like Tony, Jr., sometimes it just won't be rushed...

PS- The video was really just for the spandex hot pants and awesome dance moves! 

Just the facts- Tango Palace has had some problems... not the least of which is that 1 of the actors originally cast took a job at a much larger theatre and the other actor, his roommate, didn't want to do it if his roommate wasn't, and Adam found out 1/2 hour before the first read-through... at which point, he didn't feel it would be possible to have ready if he had to start the whole casting process over with 2 1/2 weeks until performance, and so he stepped into the character with the most lines and business, which he btw rocks at, and I took over directing.

Right away, I realized that I wouldn't be able to direct in the way you typically direct... for one thing, this was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I have not exactly been spending my free time researching Fornes OR Tango Palace... I think, and have been told, that I have really good instincts when it comes to script analysis and character subtext (Kurt Naebig, can you concur?)... however, historical research is NOT my strong suit... and Adam had been doing a lot of work, had created a vision; in essence he knew what he wanted this play to say.

At the read-through, I expressed my thoughts on this. I really feel that it is in the show's best interest to respect Adam's vision for what Irene was trying to say, as I just haven't had the time to make a fully informed decision on Irene's intent. I was very willing to call on him to help with my analysis of what the play was about, and try as much as possible to make it about these two beings. If I could help them get to the meat of what they are saying and what they mean to each other, we would be golden... right?

Fornes is known for being... complex... and the more we got into rehearsals, the more was unveiled. I honestly believe that one name that should be thrown into the ring of those influenced by her work is Julie Taymor... I wasn't kidding when I said that it's only 17 pages, but there is stage combat, sword play, more than one Tango, maskwork (Beetles- and I'm not talking about the group) that seems VERY removed from the rest of the script (but of course ISN'T, which is the some of the beauty of Fornes) and the character of Isadore embodies personas from Norma Desmond to Patton to Peter Pan, while maintaining a very human and fragile underbelly. And that is the easy one to dissect.

The character of Leopold, which Tom McGrath also rocks at btw, is subtle; aging in mentality from the birth to adulthood while appearing dressed in a 3-piece suit, knowing what he wants and needs, but not having the maturity and the experience to come to terms with it until the end.

To top it off, Tom, who has graciously stepped into the role of Leopold, opens another show the same weekend, and I am watching the kids because Tony is Lighting Designer and of course producing, and has to be at tech every night for the other 5 shows. So we rehearse in my living room from 9:15 to 11 p.m., after the kids are in bed. The conversation we had tonight about all this was done at my kitchen table while I was trying to feed dinner to two VERY cabin-fevered children.

We just had our "Final Dress" and it was spent learning fight choreography for the first time and how to Tango (not the specific choreography, just HOW to) for the first time. When we finished fight choreography and leapt pants-off into a marked run of the show, the Fight Choreographer and I discovered 3 more places that there should BE fight choreography as opposed to "I feel really comfortable with fights and with you slapping me  or throwing a punch." Our "preview" will be a working rehearsal and my actors WILL be holding scripts.

Sooooo, what do we do?

1) ALL of the shows have had their difficulties, and I think ALL of them have lost actors or had trouble casting, so what makes us so special?

2) This is Fornes' first play, running in rep with her LAST play, ( Letters from Cuba plug, plug with my producer hat on, although it's awkward to plug with my director hat on, since they run in rep with Tango and all this shit has hit the fan...) and it would be a HUGE shame if it didn't go up.

3) The way it stands right now, it is not safe to the actors to have an Opening on Thursday...

We could postpone opening Tango Palace for a week and only do Letters from Cuba this week--and invite anyone who sees this Thursday's show to come back free of charge; we could do a staged reading this week and open next week, and invite anyone who sees this Thursday's show to come back free of charge; we could pull it from the festival all together; we could decide to just push ahead and open it (although I'm not sure my actors would do it, at this point.)

We have a 4-hour rehearsal on Sunday and THEN "Preview" Sunday night, then a 4-hour rehearsal on Monday... a LOT could be ironed out in that time... I feel like this has the potential to be an incredible show... but safe for the actors to participate in by Thursday? Not sure about that one...

What would you do?

Chicago Storefront Summit Breakout: Gender and Equality

Join members of the Chicago theatre community, women and men, in discussing the impact of gender on the Chicago theatre scene. This discussion will bring theatre community members together to find common ground and determine next steps. We invite any who are interested in this topic, be you a theatre company representative or freelancer, to participate.

We hope you'll bring your own ideas and questions, but here are some questions we've been thinking about:

* Is there a disparity between opportunities for men and women, and if so, at what level does it start? Do women in storefront theatres in Chicago experience the same challenges as women in larger and Equity houses?

* Do the same challenges exist across the board artistically, or is it different for playwrights, directors, designers and actors?

* Would a gender equitable Chicago theatre scene look different from the current one and if so, how?

* What can each of us do to change the status quo? Are there opportunities for group action or collaboration?

Please give us your input on a date for the first in a series of discussions. Tell all your friends. On Monday, December 21st, we'll decide the date and location. If you have any questions, or want to help with planning, get in touch. We want your input!

We hope to see you soon!

Jenn Adams                                       Margo Gray
Halcyon Theatre                                 Prologue Theatre Co.                        
jenn@halcyontheatre.org                    margo@prologuetheatreco.org
Twitter: @halcyonjenn                        Twitter: @margogray 

Who am I?

I am not my kids or my marriage or my theatre company or my job.

What is left? Who am I?

I had the afternoon recently while the kids slept, and didn't know what to do. Didn't want to waste precious alone time. Didn't want to work or do something "necessary" or "meaningful." I ended up doing laundry and watching America's Next Top Model. How dumb is that?

Tyra, Goddess of the Model Mind, kept saying "Bring yourself to it."

I kept thinking, "Who is 'myself'?" I don't even feel like I know how to find myself, never mind bringing it to the table. It has prompted a lot of heavy sighing, through both nose and mouth, when I try to come up with an answer or a tangible solution.

I've been doing a lot of Soul Wading lately (soul searching would involve more time in the pool) and I'm realizing that I really need to get more art in my life. Now you might say "But you run a theatre company!" Yes. . . and that's very fulfilling.  But talking about the art, and how to make great art, is not on the same stage as doing the art, is it?

Ongoing difficulties at my day job have been a big factor in this is. Those of you who know me know that in the seven years I have been there, the cycle of happiness has always been like a Big Bi-Polar Hot Air Balloon. It goes in a circle: from ecstasy--feeling like what I do really matters to people; to crying on a toilet for ten minutes--being treated like I am the pee you see on the sidewalk. Like an irritating and useless puddle, that's not worth taking the time to clean up or think about for more than the time it takes to walk past.

The problem is, the air balloon is getting smaller and tighter; the cycles of crying are closer and closer together. I like the things I'm doing: the layout for the monthly newsletter-- I VERY excitedly taught myself InDesign, (with lots of help from Tony:); creating the email blasts; creating the numerous and glamorous flyers that melt the hearts of our members with their beauty and accessibility; and most recently, communicating with Chicago media to send press releases, announcements, etc., and keeping track of it all. It actually is really fun. I have a great direct supervisor. She understands how I work, and I think we work really well together. The issues don't have to do with what I do, they have to do with a general lack of respect, and a growing inability on my part to brush it off.

I keep thinking of my father, and how unhappy he was at his job. I always use to say, "Quit, Dad! It's making you a miserable person! No one should have to be that miserable!" Now I understand why quitting isn't as easy as it sounds, but after all these years, I still feel like a hypocrite that I can't follow my own advice...

So... what to do? The thought of doing another day job where I am expected to care, and yet am not cared about, does not appeal. The idea of having a day job that I don't care about goes against every fiber of my being (and my Zodiac sign, I think)... I am a person who needs to be passionate about her job. I really want to spend more time with our kids, but the idea of losing half our income does not seem like the responsible thing to do to us, our kids, or Halcyon. . .I would love to watch kids to supplement our income, but how many kids would I need to watch to do that, and still have enough in me to be a mom?

Now, stop me if you've heard this before, but...

What I really want is to have my day job be my Art...I love working really hard. I love having a job where I work long hours, and work nights, and attend meetings, and Ilove loving what I do and what it stands for. I have great ideas for our education programming; I love our mission and our ideas for working with refugees; I love to teach acting, to work with actors on their craft, I love directing, I love introducing theatre to people who don't know what it can hold, and to bring theatre to people of all ages. I really love working with actors who already know their stuff and are excited about getting even better. I would love to teach college, or classes through Halcyon for actors of all ages. . .

Here's the catch, right? I don't have a graduate degree. Nor do I have three years and tens of thousands of dollars to get a graduate degree...

I was looking on the DePaul website about their grad programs. . . The Theatre Admin. program looks good. . .it's really cool that you get to work at Chicago Shakespeare full-time as part of your degree (cool for CST as well, I imagine) but your salary is basically the cost of your tuition. . . so. . . again, that losing half our income for three years with two kids.

The Directing program looks. . . great, if you're 25 and right out of college with an acting degree...I looked at their curriculum..  . I've basically already DONE all of it, in the real world, for 10 years... and I think I do it pretty well. . . so, wouldn't I be taking time away from doing the art to learn what I already know about doing the art?

However, my work has all been rather... insulated? Not sure if that's the right word, but I have done it all on the down-low. Independently--I guess would be a better word. What I mean is, I didn't go the route of assisting for bigger directors or going to an undergrad or grad program where you got to meet and work with those people. Is anyone going to know who "Jenn Adams of Halcyon Theatre" is? . . . Enough to let me teach their kids? . . . or hire me to teach? (even though, of course, I would truly rock as a teacher or acting coach) :) :) :)

DOES THE ECONOMY HOLD MY HEART HOSTAGE? I know I'm not the only one out there with the feeling of not being able to quit because "You're lucky to HAVE a job." But is it a blessing or a curse not to be free to exert your worth or feel great about what you do?

Anyone experiencing these things, or does anyone have suggestions or a success story on breaking into teaching here in Chi-Town?

Tony is always telling me that before we send anything out, a blog post, an email blast, an appeal letter or anything else, we HAVE to make sure we are LIVE on the website. That way, when someone is inspired to find out more they can go to the website for all the correct info. If everyone else is like me, which I'm sure they are (except of course for my unique charm and brilliance...), the moment of inspiration happens instantaneously after being "Hit Up."

If I know this, the people behind "Countdown with Keith Oberman" must know this... it's a no-brainer, right?

FAIL

Keith Oberman did an incredible, hour-long, special commentary on Health care that ended with a Call to Action. Here it is if you want to watch the whole thing...http://bit.ly/4kLrUZ http://bit.ly/4kLrUZ

And I was inspired to go to the website and donate... not much, but a little... and when we did, the box on the lower left where we would find our information read as follows:

"Check back in this space for details..."

WHAT??????????

So, I wrote them this letter-

So, I listened to the whole hour last night on Countdown. I was inspired, I was impressed, and I went to the website to donate. Not much, $20, but with 2 kids and non-profit that my husband and I run in addition to our day jobs, it's all we have...

Check back in this space for Updates?????? You do a HUGE Call To Action like that, and you don't have the website set up in advance? I understand that it may have been a decision made late in the game to do this special broadcast, and that Keith has been caring for his sick father, for whom I am so sorry, but where are his people?

This Call to Action went from a Serious Call to a Serious Fail in a matter of minutes, and it is too bad. It is rare that the media takes such a stand, that anyone takes such a stand, and now it's as if it never happened, and that is SO unfortunate...

Disheartened in Chicago,

Jennifer Adams

I am NOT a very political person, although I have grown MUCH more so in the last few years... but I HAD to wonder what the HELL was going on over there?  How could the ball be dropped so badly? WHERE WERE THE PEOPLE TO MAKE SURE THAT AFTER HIS MAJOR CALL TO ACTION, THE WEBSITE WAS READY????  BLAAAAAAARRRRGH!!!!

Previously I wrote a post about two dates that I had in college, and how they related to theatre and what we at Halcyon try to do today. I've been thinking about it some more, and I think that it really is the experience that matters.

One of our supporters made a comment a while ago about how disappointing it is when he goes to a show, brings a group of friends, and when the show is over everybody just goes their own way. He commented that AFTER a show is when the audience wants to hang out; they want to meet the actors, they want to have a place to stay as a group, they want to feel that they continue to be a PART of what just happened...his suggestion was to make sure the lobby was very inviting, with flowers and candles, and invite the audience to stay and hang out after the show. Have the actors there to talk to them...

It was a really great idea, and one that was executed at... meh... maybe 70% for our last two productions... when our supporter came he was excited by our taking his suggestion, but I think we could have done better...

I think for our next project (Alcyone 2010, the work of Maria Irene Fornes, plug, plug) I would like to make sure that we take it a step further; including in our pre-show speech EVERY TIME that people are welcome to stay after the show; asking the artists to stay and mingle; making sure the coffee is fresh for AFTER the show as well as before; making sure that Tony and/or I and other company members interact with the audience members one on one.

If we are going to have actors out before the show getting ready with the house open, embrace that and ask the actors to embrace it, not just tolerate it... I felt like the pre-show for The Other Shore was too internal- the actors had a great time with each other, but the audience wasn't really involved. For THAT show, I should have made sure to tell the actors to INTERRACT with the audience as well as each other. In general it just feels like a great concept that we need to work on defining. That will add to the audience's overall experience at our shows...

There are some theatre companies that believe that the important part of their mission is that they do theatre that is great for the artists. It is an oft-seen idea in Chicago storefront theatre...a couple of people have bad experiences or bad processes and decide to start their OWN company as a way to do better. I understand that idea... my last theatre company had that as their mission's key goal...  Halcyon Theatre, and Tony and I, really believe that we are doing theatre for the audience and for the connection that is created between the audience and the artist; knowing that the creation of a piece of art involves the people who view it and wanting the most people to see it and have as good an experience as possible doing that)... I think most of the time we succeed... I think we have a long way to go in the way of CONSISTENCY... next time you come to one of our shows, let us know what you think and if it is working... 

A few days ago, I read an awesome post by Adam Thurman at MissionParadox. He was making a comparison of theatre to church. I told him that I thought this was the best post of his I had read, and that I hadn't heard anyone make the comparison before... it brought about a brief conversation with my husband:

tony: http://www.missionparadox.com/the_mission_paradox_blog/2009/09/savings-souls.html

I had two fantastic dates in college. Both were really good friends. Both were Mercy Dates. I had had a REALLY bad break up, and it wasn't easy to get over. To this day, if I saw the guy I wouldn't say hello. I think in the case of both dates, my friends wanted to help me move on by showing me that he wasn't the only guy out there, and that I was worth getting over him and moving on to bigger and better things.

The first one, my first post-breakup date, was with a friend in my BFA Seminar. We flirted CONSTANTLY the whole time I was at school, but I don't think it ever would have led anywhere. He was a really nice guy, but a Bad Boy through and through. I have always been attracted to Bad Boys, but too scared (and a bit too uptight, believe it or not) to actually date them. He took me to Les Mis in Boston. I had seen it on its first go-round when I was in high school. In high school the production was amazing and energized and "Changed my Life." This time... well, 7 years will do that to a show.... but I had an amazing night. I felt taken care of; pampered. The tickets were more than my ex had ever spent on a date, the door was opened for me because it would make ME feel good rather than being about whether or not he had honor, and my friend was a real gentleman. Not a great show, but a fantastic date- the best date I'd ever had to that point, in fact.

The second.... well, let's just say I didn't know a person could HAVE as big a crush as I had on this guy... whoa...of course, the whole theatre department did, but I've never been able to be quiet about my feelings, so I'm sure everyone knew. One day he asked if I wanted to go to see LIVE perform at UNH. Uh, duh! It was a completely different vibe... I think I drove, we may have gotten McDonalds on the way, but it was so fun and the band was amazing, and strangely enough for a crush-date, there was no pressure. When I dropped him off, he kissed me goodnight. I honestly hadn't expected that, although I had dreamed about it enough :) As he walked away, and I got back into my illustrious blue Ford Escort 4-door, I thought, "Okay, that was enough. If nothing else happens between us, it is okay. I am content." Nothing DID happen after that date, but it didn't need too. it was enough.

Two examples of situations where it wasn't the product or the endgame that mattered. It was the way I was treated and taken care of. And what hit me earlier today, in the glow of my recently finished blog about being a cliche, was how it relates to theatre. Not that the product doesn't matter- Why would we do it if that were the case? But- Take care of people as best you can. Take care of your artists and take care of your audience. Not with the hopes of getting something out of it, or because it will make you look good, but because you want them to know they deserve it. Maybe in ten years, they'll still remember.

And Jay and Keith- Thanks! And if secretly you were just trying to bed me... that's pretty cool too :) 

There is a cliché out there about how when a woman gets married and has kids she loses her identity, forgets her own passions, and focuses so much on what everyone else needs that she casts her own needs aside. P'shaw, right?

I'm not so sure...

I think I may have begun to whittle myself into a model of that cliché, though I've been fighting it every step of the way. . . Tony and I have always semi-jokingly used the phrase  "Us against the World" to describe our approach to life. We started Halcyon as a way to do something great together, and we always meant to continue that approach when we had kids. When Tony, Jr. was 3-6 months old, Tony was rehearsing Yerma and he really wanted me at rehearsals. There were a lot of nights when I sat nursing in a corner while they rehearsed, thinking "Why did I come?"

I knew Tony wanted my feedback and wanted me to be involved, but it was pretty rare that I actually got to watch what was going on. Yet, I never decided to stop going. I knew Tony wanted me there, and in theory I wanted to be there. I wanted to be like the families I grew up with who always had their whole family in the show, and would take turns watching each others kids while a scene was being rehearsed. However, growing up I did shows in a schoolhouse that was turned into an arts center in the middle of the woods. . . When you rehearse in a room at Sheil Park, or a room in a church with an AA meeting next door, there's nowhere for the kids to go and no other kids to watch them. (Insert a plug for our own space with babysitting services HERE).

During performances of Yerma, when Tony Jr. was in the dream scene at the beginning, Tony would go to the theatre after work and open the doors for the actors, and I would go to our house and get Tony Jr., take him to the theatre, nurse him while we waited for his "Big Scene" so he wouldn't disturb the performance, then bundle him out and take him home on the bus. It was 9 p.m. before we got home, sometimes not much earlier than Tony, and there were a few times where neither of us were dressed for the weather.

One night, the temperature dropped from 55 to 40 degrees between leaving the theatre and getting home, and it started to rain. I was in a short sleeved shirt with an old navy trench coat and Tony jr. was in a long sleeve shirt and pants, a light coat but no hat that I remember . . . I put my coat around him and prayed for a bus that never came. I ended up walking from Irving Park and Damen to Foster and Damen, and stopping at CVS on Lawrence to by a fleece blanket and one of those weird winter hats with the hard cardboard bill in the front to warm him up...That was one of the first moments when I thought "What's more important? Theatre or my family?"

Since the kids were born, it has felt as if Tony and I have worked better with a "divide and conquer" approach to our lives. It has made sense that the "divide" would be him at the theatre and me at home. He can run tech, and I can nurse...and honestly, a lot of times it just feels better to stay home. The kids get a bedtime routine, I get to be with them and feel needed by them, and it's important to me to be a mom that is THERE.

At the same time, Tony's writing and online presence has really helped Halcyon grow. While I have always been involved artistically, and have actually directed more shows for Halcyon than Tony, I haven't maintained a presence (or done the work) of the...Executive-isory-ness. . . As a result, I have felt less and less connected to, and less and less needed by, this amazing company that was started by us as equals. He was doing more of the producing, reading of scripts, being the one there for tech weeks. . . It made sense for him to take on the role of Artistic Director and me to become Associate A.D. That's the roles we were playing.

I think that led to me feeling even less needed by Halcyon, and more needed by the kids, which made it even more appealing to be the one that stayed home. I would go to rehearsals or shows, and not really know what to do there. Or have to call Tony to fix the problems. . . At home, I always had the answers, the kisses and hugs, and yes, the milk!

The "Divide and Conquer" has been feeling more and more like "Divide, and Tony Conquers." Its been no one's fault; up until now it has been the best way to proceed. And I'm sure he feels pretty conquered when the kids want me to do bedtime... and bath-time... and everything else :)

However, I love this company just as much as he does, and I want it to succeed just as much as he does. The same way he wants our kids to succeed. Thankfully they are getting old enough now where we can really do more of the Kid Stuff 50-50... I am back to tackling the Theatre Stuff 50-50 as well. If I want to be an equal voice in this theatre company, I have to be an equal voice... the same way I am in my marriage and with my kids. I have to do the work.

The first step, a small one though it is, is to change the name of my blog... The Life of a Theatre Wife used to sound kitchy and fun to me. Now it sounds like "A Cute Little Wife in the Corner, writing a Cute Little Blog to have something to share with her strong, hard-working husband".  (Boy, that sounds bitter. But that Bitter Woman is who I DON'T want to become.) If you have a Blog Name you think might be good, let me know...

The second step will be taking a newly found love of marketing I have acquired, and really trying to use it to Halcyon's benefit.

We'll see what comes third... I'll keep you posted!