Maintaining a Healthy Marriage in this Crazy, Mixed-Up World

So many times when I was upset at my last job, people would say “Just keep your mind on your babies.” I know they meant well, but for a very specific reason it always made me angry...

They never mentioned my husband.

My kids are super-important to me, don’t get me wrong, but my husband is equally, if not more, important. Without our marriage, there would BE no children, and I plan to be with him still when they are grown and off in their own romantical adventures.

Both Tony’s and my parents had long-term marriages, but I don’t think I’d call either of them healthy, and they both ended in divorce. We don’t have a lot of role models out there for good and healthy marriages, especially in the arts. Sometimes it even feels like it’s a race among artists to see whose marriage can end faster or who will cheat first. And I can’t just call up Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward to see how they did it...

Also, it was astounding to me how once we had children, Tony’s presence seemed to become less important to those who were visiting us or talking to us about the kids. He joked about it, but I can only imagine how much it bothered him not to be considered important when it came to conversations about his children and his family. To be treated like a by-product or a stander-by. I made a conscious decision then to always make sure that Tony was part of the equation when I spoke... not “my/our children” but “my marriage and my children” or “my husband and my children.”

It seems weird to have to “make it a priority to make it a priority.” However, especially with the day jobs and children AND the theatre company, I think it becomes even more of a necessity. There seems to be so little time to devote to each other, once all the other pieces of life get a cut...date nights are the first thing to go because of the cost, and we seamlessly navigate towards conversations about the theatre company, which can end up feeling like “shop talk.”

It’s also easy to slip into thinking “my husband/wife can take care of themselves. My children need me for survival.” But I can’t think of many worse feelings then not being needed. And I may not need Tony to feed me, but my soul needs feeding in a way which my children can’t do and which I can’t do myself; I hope the same is true for him. That’s part of why I wanted to marry him.

There is a line in a movie called Playing by Heart that resonates with me and which helps me to realise how easily two people who are genuinely in love can begin to lose touch with each other- “I knew why I loved you... but I forgot what it was that made you love me.” Because of that, I like to look at him sometimes when he’s not looking, and see something that reminds me of a moment when we were first dating. I remind myself to say thank you; I remind myself to compliment him; I remind myself to make him a priority. Because the longer you are married, the easier it is to take it for granted; to assume; to forget. Without even realizing it’s happening.

Marriage is hard work, and deserves just as much time as raising children. It shouldn’t be HARD work, but I think you always have to keep it in the front of your mind and not let it become a by-product of your life or lower on the totem pole than your children, your day jobs, or your passion...I think it is important to realize how easy it can be for either party to feel neglected or unnecessary, especially during times like tech weeks when you can be away from home so much and have such a strong outside focus...but I believed that the person I married was the most important person in my life when I married him, and I promised to be with him for life...isn’t it worth it to make sure he stays that way?