Does the Economy Hold my Heart Hostage?

Who am I?

I am not my kids or my marriage or my theatre company or my job.

What is left? Who am I?

I had the afternoon recently while the kids slept, and didn't know what to do. Didn't want to waste precious alone time. Didn't want to work or do something "necessary" or "meaningful." I ended up doing laundry and watching America's Next Top Model. How dumb is that?

Tyra, Goddess of the Model Mind, kept saying "Bring yourself to it."

I kept thinking, "Who is 'myself'?" I don't even feel like I know how to find myself, never mind bringing it to the table. It has prompted a lot of heavy sighing, through both nose and mouth, when I try to come up with an answer or a tangible solution.

I've been doing a lot of Soul Wading lately (soul searching would involve more time in the pool) and I'm realizing that I really need to get more art in my life. Now you might say "But you run a theatre company!" Yes. . . and that's very fulfilling.  But talking about the art, and how to make great art, is not on the same stage as doing the art, is it?

Ongoing difficulties at my day job have been a big factor in this is. Those of you who know me know that in the seven years I have been there, the cycle of happiness has always been like a Big Bi-Polar Hot Air Balloon. It goes in a circle: from ecstasy--feeling like what I do really matters to people; to crying on a toilet for ten minutes--being treated like I am the pee you see on the sidewalk. Like an irritating and useless puddle, that's not worth taking the time to clean up or think about for more than the time it takes to walk past.

The problem is, the air balloon is getting smaller and tighter; the cycles of crying are closer and closer together. I like the things I'm doing: the layout for the monthly newsletter-- I VERY excitedly taught myself InDesign, (with lots of help from Tony:); creating the email blasts; creating the numerous and glamorous flyers that melt the hearts of our members with their beauty and accessibility; and most recently, communicating with Chicago media to send press releases, announcements, etc., and keeping track of it all. It actually is really fun. I have a great direct supervisor. She understands how I work, and I think we work really well together. The issues don't have to do with what I do, they have to do with a general lack of respect, and a growing inability on my part to brush it off.

I keep thinking of my father, and how unhappy he was at his job. I always use to say, "Quit, Dad! It's making you a miserable person! No one should have to be that miserable!" Now I understand why quitting isn't as easy as it sounds, but after all these years, I still feel like a hypocrite that I can't follow my own advice...

So... what to do? The thought of doing another day job where I am expected to care, and yet am not cared about, does not appeal. The idea of having a day job that I don't care about goes against every fiber of my being (and my Zodiac sign, I think)... I am a person who needs to be passionate about her job. I really want to spend more time with our kids, but the idea of losing half our income does not seem like the responsible thing to do to us, our kids, or Halcyon. . .I would love to watch kids to supplement our income, but how many kids would I need to watch to do that, and still have enough in me to be a mom?

Now, stop me if you've heard this before, but...

What I really want is to have my day job be my Art...I love working really hard. I love having a job where I work long hours, and work nights, and attend meetings, and Ilove loving what I do and what it stands for. I have great ideas for our education programming; I love our mission and our ideas for working with refugees; I love to teach acting, to work with actors on their craft, I love directing, I love introducing theatre to people who don't know what it can hold, and to bring theatre to people of all ages. I really love working with actors who already know their stuff and are excited about getting even better. I would love to teach college, or classes through Halcyon for actors of all ages. . .

Here's the catch, right? I don't have a graduate degree. Nor do I have three years and tens of thousands of dollars to get a graduate degree...

I was looking on the DePaul website about their grad programs. . . The Theatre Admin. program looks good. . .it's really cool that you get to work at Chicago Shakespeare full-time as part of your degree (cool for CST as well, I imagine) but your salary is basically the cost of your tuition. . . so. . . again, that losing half our income for three years with two kids.

The Directing program looks. . . great, if you're 25 and right out of college with an acting degree...I looked at their curriculum..  . I've basically already DONE all of it, in the real world, for 10 years... and I think I do it pretty well. . . so, wouldn't I be taking time away from doing the art to learn what I already know about doing the art?

However, my work has all been rather... insulated? Not sure if that's the right word, but I have done it all on the down-low. Independently--I guess would be a better word. What I mean is, I didn't go the route of assisting for bigger directors or going to an undergrad or grad program where you got to meet and work with those people. Is anyone going to know who "Jenn Adams of Halcyon Theatre" is? . . . Enough to let me teach their kids? . . . or hire me to teach? (even though, of course, I would truly rock as a teacher or acting coach) :) :) :)

DOES THE ECONOMY HOLD MY HEART HOSTAGE? I know I'm not the only one out there with the feeling of not being able to quit because "You're lucky to HAVE a job." But is it a blessing or a curse not to be free to exert your worth or feel great about what you do?

Anyone experiencing these things, or does anyone have suggestions or a success story on breaking into teaching here in Chi-Town?