Naked

We had our first rehearsal for the love/sex scene between the Swan Woman and Coyote tonight. It's only about a page long but warranted an hour of rehearsal time.

When I was stretching and going over my lines, questions like "what are we going to do for a whole hour?" and "am I forgetting about another scene we have?" floated around my head. And suddenly the thought "we're getting naked today" interrupted. Disguising my panic and desperately trying to remember what underwear I was wearing, I asked Scott Allen Luke (Coyote) nonchalantly, "Are we getting naked today?" He furrowed his brow and replied, "mm, don't think so." My fears were not assuaged. 

It's so very uncomfortable to consider getting naked, even in rehearsal. I mean, it's personal. It's awkward. It's our bodies - they'd be touching - they aren't plastic figures, you know; they're bodies...and well, bodies secrete things - things get icky! And the potential ickiness weirds me out! The very real icky imperfections of our bodies actually touching each other?!...SIGH.

Needless to say my awkward sense of humor - which slays any sort of delicate mood - kicked into high gear and inappropriate jokes. I tried to control it as best I could and stay focused, but I was stressed and skittish. Supposedly women's dirty humor is dirtier than men's because it's a little too graphic in a clinical kind of way. And that's probably true; I asked if Swan Woman's orgasm should be honking. And I just wrote that bodies secrete things and get icky.

Everyone in the room (just Sara - SM, Tony - director, and Scott - Coyote) was really nice and patient, but I wonder what exactly DO I need to feel comfortable to get naked. (Even if we don't use it during the show, Tony would like to get there during rehearsals.) Honestly, I dunno. And I'm not sure if thinking about it helps.

Fortunately, pretending is a significant enough task for a first rehearsal...and what I focused on today. It's big to really feel the intimacy and joy and desire of consummating true love in our play's imaginary circumstances. It takes time to get comfortable with that risky emotional journey...and in the meantime, I'm awkward and loudly announce when I take off my socks.

On a positive note, I was pleasantly surprised by how vulnerable and trusting I felt in Coyote's arms. It seems vulnerability is a different kind of nakedness: of the heart and soul. It's a gift to the people watching and also a gift that costs something. Tonight I felt discomfort at being emotionally intimate and aroused in front of (and with!) pals. A shudder of pleasure is easier than being in my underwear but it's not free or easy. 

What am I trying to say? I'm all over the place because I'm uncomfortable. A friend and actor I just love to watch said that he hates, HATES, being vulnerable...but will do it on stage. He hates it in real life but is willing to be vulnerable on stage to be good. And that resonated with me tonight. It goes right along with what Alexandra Billings (my personal hero) said during SteppWest this summer. She demanded of us as actors to bring our bags of shit on stage, open those bags, roll around in our shit, and stand up for everyone to see. Anything less was unacceptable and "Keep going forward into that shit!" became our joyful battle cry and motto.

So the question is "Am I that brave?" I know it's good to be brave enough to be naked emotionally and physically but can I do it?

I eventually took off my outer shirt - leaving my tank top AND pants. For a few moments, I opened my heart to Scott/Coyote and imagined my happiness at being post-coital (and naked) with the greatest love of my entire existence. 

It was a good start...but I suspect there's more nakedness to be explored. I remind myself that what's wonderful about life is not the beauty of perfection but the grace of humanity - how vulnerability and hope and openness exist despite our imperfection: when you're loved despite purposefully awkward jokes.

So. I know what I have to do. And with an unnecessary eye roll and my heart on my sleeve, I put one foot in front of the other and "keep going forward into that shit!"