Diving In

I meant to write this blog entry 3 weeks ago after the Trickster read-through, but Life took over between Stir-Friday Night's 15-year anniversary revue Bubble Tea Party! (Happy quinceañera, SFN!") and being in a wedding (Congrats, Stephanie & Jason!) and well, you know how Life gets. 

I'll start by saying that I had some "concerns" after read-through Tuesday: over 140 pages (with several scenes still missing), a HUGE cast of puppet-humans and Animal-spirit people, BIG questions about human suffering and our natural bent towards destruction, AND Swan Woman has an orgasm while naked. I mean, I hope I'm not getting type-cast as "actress who orgasms." Just kidding, it's the naked part that stresses me out. 

Anyway I realized even as I was airing out my "concerns" to Tony (who very patiently listened to all of them), that this is a fantastic opportunity to be open while on this adventure of a play rehearsal process. And do I really have a choice? The script is going through edits, ideas are still be discovered, characters and relationships developed - in short, there's absolutely NO WAY we're going to know all the answers about the final product until we get there. You aren't going to know what it's like to cliff-dive into the ocean until you do it. 

Fortunately, my fellow pioneers are pretty cool. I know many of them or at least have seen their work and I'm excited. Take, for instance, my Older Swan Brother (Riso Straley) who improvised his swan song to include "shitting on your lawn" and "pecking your eyes out, muthafuckah!" I can only hope to one day be as awesome as that. 

So I'm diving in. It seems to be the theme for the year: dive in & be open; be open & dive in. I'm jumping into new working relationships and rehearsal processes as well as re-examining my own tendencies and vices. I'm also trying to check in with myself more often; been through a lot of change this year - tackled acting in my bra AND a Japanese-British accent, the still bewilderingly beautiful experience of Steppenwolf West, and breaking up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. The aftershocks continue to roll through. 

There are many, many shades of gray between black and white. It's less convenient and straightforward to live between right and wrong but somehow also more comfortingly authentic. And it sure beats checking out. So plug your nose and join me off the edge of the cliff - it's time to dive in.